Collaborative Divorce Law of the Palm Beaches

Members, International Association for Collaborative Professionals

  www.collaborativepractice.com

Collaborative Divorces & Gratitude

Divorce professionals can talk all they want about how great collaborative divorce is, but to me it makes a much bigger impact when divorced parents talk about the benefits of collaborative divorce that they see. Blogger Nikki Jo posted a beautiful entry about Thanksgiving post-divorce on I Loved Deeper. Here's a slice of her post:

But in a world where people hate each other after divorce…. try to make each other’s lives a living hell…. hurting the ones they once loved and using their children, who should be protected, as pawns in such wars….. I am so very thankful that I am not in one of those relationships.

As we all sat around the table, decorating cookies and making endless fun of one another, I was reminded that my children (and myself) will be so much happier later in life looking back and having these memories of our family (Jon and I both included) spending quality time together.

Go ahead and read the whole post by clicking the link above and be thankful if you are also "not in one of those relationships," especially around the holidays.

Collaborative Divorce Process - Which is More Important - Money or Fairness?

One of my favorite bloggers, Melani Ward, posted this article today. It seems applicable to the collaborative process, doesn't it? The whole post is reprinted below, but you can also click on the title to read it at Melani's blog.

Money or Fairness – Which is More Important?

02 December 2008 | Brain | admin

Did you know that social pain and physical pain light up the same regions of the brain on an MRI and that as far as the brain goes, social pain is just as harmful as physical pain?

The brain also finds fairness intrinsically important. When people’s brains are being monitored, scientist have concluded that when people judge a situation to be fair, reward centers of the brain light up just like they do when they see a loved one or taste great food.

On the other hand, unfair situations generate significant fear and light up a region of the brain that is stimulated when we feel disgust. In one study they found that fairness was more important to the brain than money. What a relief! I was beginning to think money was all anyone cared about.

So, how can you apply this information at work or in your personal life?

Healthy work environments and healthy relationships are a result of instilling fairness and setting up rewards that make people feel positive.

When you embrace social fairness and apply it to every relationship you have, you are essentially dousing everyone with whom you come in contact with serotonin. Serotonin opens the mind and makes people feel great and successful. In return, you’ll be rewarded with individuals who want to be with you more, learn more from you, and do more for you.

On the flip side, if you diminish someone, it’s like you’re injecting them with high levels of cortisol which will shut the brain down and close it off to new ideas and a willingness to help you out.

So, in every relationship you have, think about how you can inject a little more “social fairness” into the equation. Are your words, actions, feelings, and energy generating positive thoughts and positive responses? Are you praising those who work for you or under you? Are you showing and telling them how grateful you are for them? Are you showing gratitude to those you’re in relationships with?

Imagine yourself with a Serotonin Soaker and see how much more satisfying and productive all your interactions can be.

Check out this article on How the Brain Works.

Online Safety for Kids - New Browser

Keeping kids safe online should be a priority for all parents, not just divorced parents. How to do it just became easier with KidZui, a special web browser that contains only kid-safe content. The basic version is free, and includes a core of features for both children and their justifiably worried parents.

When KidZui launched in March 2008, the list of approved content included around 500,000 sites. Eight months on, that's now expanded to more than a million pieces of content, with 50 editors still contracted to review new material and purge links that have changed or are dead. KidZui allows only the pre-approved content so your kids cannot go to any sites accidentally.

If you are concerned with online safety, check out KidZui.

Collaborative Divorce Television

There is a new internet television station dedicated to Collaborative Divorce. Check it out here.

Sometimes It's Tempting...

Collaborative or not, divorce is emotional business. When you are annoyed with your spouse, it can be tempting to bad mouth them to others. Resist the urge. It can be difficult to do, especially if others are willing to goad you on. The video below discusses this issue and why you should avoid it.

The legal consequences of bad mouthing the other parent can be severe under the new best interest of the child factors in Florida law. One of the clear points of the new factors is to get the children out of the middle. Bad mouthing the other parent can be used against you when deciding parental responsibility and timesharing schedules.

Protect Democracy - Go Vote!

We have had record-breaking early voting numbers here in Palm Beach County. More than half the number who voted in the last general election have already voted!! That still leaves about 400,000 voters for Election Day.

Nobody knows the effect of all the early voting on the lines tomorrow. The best advice is - be prepared to wait in line on Election Day. Bring a chair, water, umbrella and something to read.

If you still don't know where your precinct poll is located, check out last post for election information.

If you want additional ideas on how to help, check this post by fellow blogger and Obama volunteer lawyer Victoria Pynchon.

It's your right.
It's your duty.
Go vote!

Voting Information

Voting information for the State of Florida

Palm Beach County early voting ends Sunday, November 2, 2008.

Extended hours through October 31, 2008 7:00 am to 7 pm
Extended Saturday hours 9:00 am to 5 pm
Sunday hours 10:00 - 2:00 pm

Wait times for early voting (including EV locations)

For early voting, you can vote anywhere in county as long as you are registered in Palm Beach County. If you have moved, you will complete a change of address at the polls.

Be patient and go prepared. Take a folding chair, some water and a book. Most locations are very sunny a good part of the day.

DO NOT VOTE A PROVISIONAL BALLOT IN EARLY VOTING IF YOU CAN AVOID IT. INSTEAD, SEE THE VOTER PROTECTION ATTORNEY AT THE EV SITE AND WORK TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO VOTE ON TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 4th. VOTER PROTECTION ATTORNEYS ARE WEARING LARGE BLUE BUTTONS.

Assume Compassion

Today's post is not divorce related but fits with the collaborative divorce process.
                            

            

I was sitting at the park one day with a friend of mine when we started talking about family. He asked me how many brothers and sisters I had and I said 2. I always say 2, even though my sister died when we were young. To say one make me feel like I'm not acknowledging her existence. Then he asked me where they lived and I said, "My brother lives in Chicago but my sister died when we were young." So he started asking a bunch of questions about it and I started getting a bit upset, which I always do. Not upset in a dwelling type of way, more just overwhelmed with her presence because I feel it so deeply whenever I think of her.  Anyway, after he fed his curiosity he said this, "Well, do you even remember her? How much could you really remember her anyway at that age?" I was really taken back. Where did that come from? I began to explain it but then stopped and realized if I needed to explain it, he wasn't going to get it. I just let it go. However, later that day we were hanging out with my family and it just so happened that a couple of my cousins were playing near us. They were just about the ages my sister and I were when she died, 9 and 6. So, I said to my friend, "Do you think "Timmy" would remember anything about "Sally" if she died today?" He said "Oh, wow, I guess you're right. I'm sorry." Then, just recently I was talking to someone about some things that were going on in my life, one thing she just doesn't understand and one she is passionate about herself. There was a huge distinction between how she listened and gave feedback on the two issues. When I was talking about one issue it was all she could do to look at me. On the other, she was all fired up and encouraging me like crazy. But, I'll tell you, the only thing that came through was judgment. The judgment was "Look Mel, one of these things matter to me and other doesn't." Well, the truth was that the one that mattered more to me was not the one she judged to be worthy of discussion. So, here's the lesson I was reminded of. When someone comes to me to share a win or a goal or a story, the least effective thing I can do is let how I feel about IT play into the conversation. What needs to be considered is how I feel about the person talking. Do I love that person? Do I care about that person? If so, then what they say should have very little impact on my response. I may "think" it's stupid, irrational, a waste of their time, boring or any number of things but if I am truly holding the space for them to work something out, my beliefs about good or bad or right or wrong are totally irrelevant. My mind was not asked to solve the problem or pass judgment. Rather, that person was counting on my love for her to be able to hold the space. A couple of days later I was given the chance to practice myself. One of my girlfriends called me to talk about her miserable job. Normally this is a topic that gets me pretty emotional because I care about this friend very much and I hate seeing how much this job

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Is there a “gift” in your divorce? Find it and you will flourish!

When we are in the midst of life trauma it is very difficult to experience anything but the pain, disappointment, hurt and anguish related to that experience. That’s only natural. But very often, looking back in hindsight, we can find meaning, relevance, valuable lessons and insights that were the direct result of those major life challenges. Without that life-altering event we would not become the successes we are today.

Many people look upon that result as the “gift” they received from the experience – the wisdom they gleaned, the turning point they needed to move on to a new chapter in their lives. They look back and can say the lesson was tough, but they don’t regret it in the least.

I believe divorce can be looked upon as one of those “gifts” and life lessons if we choose to look for the reward. What did you learn as a result of this experience? Who are you today that you would not have been had you not divorced? Do you see inner wisdom or strength that makes

 

 

 

 

 

 

Florida Divorce: No Arbitration for Child Issues

As an alternative to collaborative divorce proceedings, some divorcing spouses in Florida have begun using binding arbitration. Arbitration uses an attorney arbitrator who acts much like a judge in the proceeding. The arbitrator issues a binding opinion at the end of the arbitration proceeding. Essentially, it is a private judge and a private "trial." Obviously this provides the parties with far more privacy over the disputed issues in their divorce, much like collaborative process does.

One problem: if children are involved, Florida Statute 44.104 prohibits binding arbitration. This law codifies an aspect of Florida caselaw which has required a judge review all the child-related provisions in a Florida divorce settlement agreement. The law gives judges this power because the state has an interest in ensuring that its children are supported and cared for by their parents. Even in a collaborative divorce case, the judge is charged with reviewing the child-related provision of the agreement.

While divorcing spouses may decide to use binding arbitration for all other matters, it cannot be used to decide the child issues. So you have two options: have the arbitrator make a recommendation on the child issues that can be reviewed by the judge or use the collaborative divorce process to reach a complete settlement of all issues.

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